I thought it might be fun to start a series of Sunday posts called "Sunday Confessions". Today's post was prompted by the slightly terrifying experience I had today after church. I'm feeling brave and I hope I don't regret these posts later. I'm kind of hoping that everyone else is just as crazy as I am and not judge me. :) Here goes my first confession.
I've always been a pretty calm, laid back person. But since having children my anxiety levels have shot through the roof. Actually, that started before Jacob was even born. I used to LOVE scary movies. But something happened not long after my first born was conceived. All the sudden I couldn't handle it any more. I had to start leaving the room when the movie got to suspenseful or scary. Once he was born it got worse and I developed all sorts of unrealistic fears. I won't get into what they all were, because I am sure you would all think I was nutso. I am pretty sure there was a time when I needed medication and counseling. I was to a point where I was scared to leave the house for fear that I would die and my children would be left motherless. Every morning when Mike left the house to go to school I was afraid he might not come back. I had a hard time letting him take Jacob with him even to the store for fear they would get into an accident or something. I had to psych myself up just to go to the grocery store or to church or anything that involved leaving the house. Many of those fears have gone away for the most part, (although I do still sometimes find myself scared to go anywhere) and I am left with the normal fears associated with having children. At least I THINK my fears are pretty common. I am constantly reminding myself of the scripture, "be still and know that I am God". It brings me a lot of comfort. But still...
Topping the charts of my worst fears is one of my children being abducted or dying. In my book abduction would be worse than death, because you wouldn't know what was happening to them but pretty sure it's not good. I can't stand the thought of my child being scared or suffering.
Today I briefly thought one of my worst fears may have become reality. I went to pick up Jacob from Sunday school only to find him not there. I assumed Mike had picked him up and went to get Lizzie from nursery. I picked her up and went looking for Mike. When I saw him walking towards us without Jacob I began to panic. I asked him if he had seen Jacob and he said no. We walked back towards his classroom and ran into his teachers. They said they thought for sure he had been picked up. That's when I really began to panic. I may have looked calm on the outside, but on the inside I was FREAKING OUT!! Visions of a random person walking into the church and posing as a family member there to pick up a kid flashed through my head. Mike started searching the building while I walked the halls with the other two kids, asking around if anyone had seen him. A few seconds later Mike came back holding a terrified and sobbing Jacob. He found him in one of the classrooms crying his little eyes out. He cried all the way out to the van didn't want to let go of Mike to get in his car seat. It was pretty sad. I'm pretty sure what happened was that when another parent came to pick up their kid, he slipped out behind them. He is a pretty sneaky kid. Then decided to go looking for me but couldn't find the primary room. The room Mike found him in was a bigger one like the primary room. So, I think he just got scared and confused. Poor kid.
I'm sure glad he is safe, but I think this experience may have just made me a tad bit more paranoid. *sigh*
13 comments:
eesh...I got lost in church once when I was little, sometimes I can still see flashes of the stairs or a classroom door. Churches can be HUGE at that age. I'm sure glad you found him.
I got that way after conception of my first as well! And I associate it with pregnancy, and so I am mortally afraid of having another kid. Ha. But if you had more, maybe I can, too :) Thanks for sharing! Glad Jacob was found. Abduction is one of my huge fears as well...
I got nervous just reading the post because I adore your kids and would be sick if anything happened to them. It's not abnormal to have these types of fears as long as you do not let them rule your life. I've heard of parents who will not take the same flight in order to prevent the loss of both parents in an accident. Love ya.
Where did the creepy clown picture come from?? That's enough to give me nightmares. haha I'm like too. I used to hate leaving the house. I didn't have your excuse though. :)
That clown picture is totally creepy!!! It makes me recall that scary nightmare about clowns that I had as a child. I don't know what it is, but...eeek! And the little girl in that picture almost looks like Lizzie. Gives me shivers! Delete the picture!! ;-) But really, I'm totally going to have another clown nightmare now!!
I get worried like that too and it is definitely worse after one of those times when I temporarily couldn't find Alex. Scares me to death. Like the time she got a ride home from church with someone else without telling me - completely freaked me out. Or the time she played "hide and seek" in the clothes racks at a store. Scares the pants off me.
I'm definitely more paranoid / anxious since having children.
You are for sure not alone. For about a year I did not leave my house, except for work. I could not even go to church. My ex husband took my son to church. I was put on medication. I am much better not and push myself to live life. I have to put the fears aside. Try being a single mom. The fear of some huge guy coming in my house and I am the only one that can protect my child. I can't take my son camping without my parents for fear of not being able to protect him myself. I think it is just part of being a mom to be worried for our childrens safety. This last weekend I went to a single family retreat. Lots of the kids were walking around without there parents. There was enough parents around to watch them. Of course I being the paranoid one would not let my child wonder very far without me, even though he was with a few twelve year olds. Sorry this has turned into a huge post as well. lol But you are not alone.
Okay, I also found the picture too disturbing to keep on here. Thanks for pointing out the girl looked like Lizzie Deb. Now I'M going to have nightmares. lol.
I think how naive I was when I was younger saved me from a lot of those fears...but just thinking about the boys starting to walk freaks me out! I trust no one!
Holy crap! I don't blame you. My innocence was shattered once Que got hit by that drunk driver on his way home from work. Now whenever he is even 10 minutes late I start to freak out.
I totally understand! Allayna hid behind the big crib boxes at walmart the other day and Jeff and I were yelling her name and trying to find an employee to shut down the store when she finally jumped out. I about had an anxiety attack! I've also had a few times when Jeff was really late coming home and he wouldn't answer his phone. I always imagine him laying on the side of the road after a horrific crash with his phone just out of reach. I'm getting better, though.:)
Deb, I totally thought that was Lizzie in the picture at first and thought "How did Michelle have the composure to take that picture?" But after about 2 seconds I realized it wasn't. haha I'm glad you took it down. :)
After Mike had that to be cardioverted I got extremely paranoid. I had to force myself to relax and just not think about the possibility of him having a stroke because it was making me crazy. I still worry a lot, but I've calmed myself.
If one of my girls doesn't wake me up in the middle of the night and I wake up at like 6:00 I start freaking out that either they have been taken or they are not breathing. I can't go back to sleep until I go check to make sure they are fine.
I'm with you on the abduction thing. My two worst fears are my children being taken and me being stalked and murdered (I watched a documentary on Ted Bundy when I first got married...). I keep my doors locked at all times (even when I'm home) because I'm afraid someone is going to come in and kill us all.
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